In order for us to deconstruct this point of view, a profound self knowledge is needed, which can be acquired naturally, through the help of the people close to us, or by professional help. It needs to be understood that self-despising and hating one’s self does not help anyone to change, it is merely poison disguised as anxiousness to grow.
A person can become incapable of feeling loved by anyone because she thinks herself to be unworthy, that affection is shown out of pity, that when someone says that they like her, they are lying. She believes that she will only be loved the day that she is perfect, when she loses the capacity to make mistakes. Since that day never comes, she always feels alone. Or she expects an unconditional love from others, which she will not receive. People do like us, but not all the time and our real flaws will not inspire admiration in anyone.
On the other side of the spectrum, there are people who on the path of inner growth become arrogant. They consider themselves to be ‘almost’ perfect. They see their flaws as noble qualities, and that which they cannot succeed in, consider indignant and loathsome. They justify their mistakes by making them seem like intentional lessons being provided to those around them. They tend to demand more of others than of themselves. They always think they are right and want everyone to be in agreement. They want to give orders and avoid obeying. This kind of arrogance can be selective: the individual can be humble and receptive with someone whom he considers to be superior while arrogant and full of himself in front of whom he dislikes. They can even be arrogantly humble, or have an apparent kindness with underlying pride and prepotency. Are usually efficient in advertising one’s self and paint a picture of themselves much larger than the reality. This kind of pattern can manifest camouflaged as a feeling of being a victim of frequent injustices, of not having their true valor recognized, of being the target of slander They become sad to the point of crying because people do not realize how kind, responsible, competent and dedicated they are.
Other forms of prepotency are the games, the manipulations practiced. The person emotionally blackmails others or manipulates them to their greater or lesser ability to make them obedient. The arrogant tends to live alone, not in fact, but internally. He, who is always playing a role, sustains a veil, does not relax and does not remove the mask. He stays deprived of true human contact, of loving and feeling loved. They confuses having an ideal with having it already incorporated into their being.
Not always are our attitudes, in one direction or another, very obvious. Someone can be arrogant with much class and discretion. The impression they give can be of someone who is secure and steadfast. A person who self-despises can appear to be only modest, simple, and a little insecure.
We can even alternate attitudes of self-despising and arrogance. We overly value our qualities and hate our vices. Inner growth passes between these two extremes. The arrogant leans toward laziness, thinks that he has already done so much. While who self-despises, thinks that everything he does is petty, worthless, that he always gets it wrong, that he is a failure. When depressed, the arrogant tends to self-pity, and the self-depreciative tends to be angry with him-self. It is in the balance between these two extremes that arises a true self-discipline and an authentic self respect. Each person’s pace differs. It is with a patient and constant watchfulness that we can discover what our maximum speed is, to avoid laziness and violence against one’s self.
We can put ahead of ourselves the highest ideals and walk in a healthy manner in direction of our objectives. It is not the greatness of an ideal that will make them impossible to us. What we cannot lose sight of is what we are today; there is our starting point, without establishing impossible internal deadlines for reaching the perfection we wish for. An ideal is like the horizon in front of us, our compos, pointing us in the direction.
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