There is already an article of mine on adultery. This time I want to use a more neutral expression. Wherever there is adultery there implies being corrupted, virtue less. It is a word with a very negative meaning. The words: betrayal or infidelity are also heavy with moral censure. At this time I prefer a more neutral expression because the ethics involved in this subject are controversial, delicate and difficult to be categorized in a incisive or definitive way.
In everyone’s life there exist situations that are difficult to handle. As much as we may prepare ourselves, rarely are we really ready for when the situation actually comes into our life. The death of a loved one; a grave illness, a theft coming from relatives or close friends, the end of a long lasting love affair; the occurrence of erotic love affairs outside of an existing relationship or marriage – all of these situations are almost always shocking and shake us up in a more or less intense way where majority of us never find it easy to get through.
What I know for sure is that erotic affairs happening outside of the principal relationship have always existed and exist in all societies from the past and present. And no religious or civil Law, nor sever punishments have ever succeeded in extinguishing them.
The majorities of societies that we know of are and have been male chauvinist, for millennia this has been a predominately male behavior, but never exclusively to men. It came to the point where women were violently punished, but not even then was this conduct put to a stop.
In Western civilization, for many decades or even a century now there has occurred a process for women’s liberation which has given way for women inclusively to feel more and more free to establish erotic affairs more frequently outside of the principal relationship.
Since to a male chauvinist culture, erotic affairs outside of the principal relationship have always been considered by men to be a natural right – exclusive to men – there is a contributing tendency for men to have less of a guilty conscious regarding the matter.
On the other side, it is rare between women to have an intensely promiscuous conduct. They are more selective, criterions and almost always tend to establish relationships with a more or less measure of affectionate involvement.
We can observe along the decades that human egoism is supra sexual. That which the other does contrary to our interests almost always looks graver to us. If I ever had or still have such a conduct, I try and look back at my actions with more comprehension and benevolence. It is much easier for me to forgive myself at heart level than be capable of forgiving another for the same conduct.
The capacity to forgive with the heart the fact that your spouse has had an erotic affair with another person is rare, very rare. Many relationships proceed in spite of this. Poisoned. There can follow a discouragement in the bedroom, or involuntary affection. An attitude bent towards punishment can arise. The spouse who feels victimized can revenge him/herself many different ways, including having an erotic affair with someone out of pure revenge. And can keep a total secret, savoring in silence the relative pleasure of having taken revenge. But generally this revenge does not have the capacity to reestablish the trust that was or the lightness of their natural affection. Parallel relationships are almost always difficult weights to carry, even if reciprocal. It is never impossible. But few couples succeed in resolving the fact without resentments, retaliations, or feeling increasingly insecure from there on.
On the other hand there exist some people, men and women who are able to maintain erotic affairs outside of the principal relationship; short or long term duration without the fact ever being revealed or uncovered. I do not speak of that which is known but never talked about openly. I’m talking about that which is unknown and not subject to any strong suspicion or distrust. There exist cases like this. As strange as it may seem, in these cases the negative effect actually turns out to be small. An explicit breach of trust never came about. There was no certainty of the fact or any strong suspicion. The spouse maintains the parallel relationship with absolute discretion. Or sometimes has had episodes of this type with more than one person along the line and is able to keep the same affectionate quality throughout the principal relationship, even becoming more cheerful, happy and affectionate with their principal companion.
It is shocking but alas true. It is possible. There are cases just like this. To tell or not to tell, that is the question. I am no cynic. I do not advocate here the art of lying. I narrate the facts. Who can judge them I cannot say. Not I. There was once a time when I believed to know what is right or wrong in life’s situations. Life is larger than this, more complex. Let the moralists come with their sentences and threats. They themselves are transgressors and no one lives without making mistakes.
There are cases where a person over the years has developed a grave illness, very grave, Asymptomatic. No one knows. One day the doctor breaks the news and the patient comes to know, he panics, worsens rapidly and dies. Was it useful for him to know the fact?
I know women that have been raped by their husband and gotten pregnant. There was not the least amount of love between them. A rape full of hatred by an enraged husband spawned from not being loved or desired for by the wife anymore. The child was raised and developed normally. Was it useful for her to know how she was generated? Would it be useful for her to know that she is the fruit of a violation purged in anger?
It would be nice if we knew in some safe and infallible way what is right or wrong in every situation in our lives. Do you think that we should tell all of our thoughts and desires to our spouse? Would this be true honesty, sincerity and transparency? Would you be happy to know that all of your thoughts, feelings and actions are perceived and known by your spouse without you able to prevent it? I finish with a citation from the author Kyriacos Markides: ‘Be careful. Truth is fire and sometimes we do not have the right to burn our equals because we think that we must tell the truth.’
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