Meeting in Hell

The head honcho rang the bell and opened the annual QC meeting in Hell.

“Gentlemen,” Wormwood said, “I asked my secretary Adramelech to summon Your Maleficences to this abysmal meeting in order for us to outline our next DDP – Doom Development Plan for the next decade. By gathering our deleterious malignancy and our proverbial work capacity, we will be ever successful in disseminating many vices and evils over this race of human vermin who insist on multiplying over the face of the earth.

There was a short pause while a gaunt butler dressed in black began distributing steaming cups of muriatic acid to refresh the heat, not far from the 248 º F.

Taking the floor again, the villainous boss man continued:

“As you all know, after the Second World War, when our armies sowed destruction and chaos on the planet, our DDPs always revolved around modern psychology, especially with the invaluable collaboration of our Moravian marketeer, Dr. Sigmund. With his erratic theses on human sexuality, about the danger of traumatizing children and adolescents with standards and prohibitions, on the urgency to eliminate the father image and desirability to reaffirm oneself at any price, we have succeeded in changing into banal attitudes the behaviors that medieval Christianity considered to be corrupt and sinful. Throughout the process, you all have played a most remarkable and malevolent collaboration” (applauses).

“However” noted Wormwood, “I understand that this vein is presently close to running dry, while even sin itself has become trivialized, losing its destructive effect and becoming mere habit of neutral character, like to kill and to rape.”

“I confer” said Duck-Foot, “even Playboy magazine doesn’t attract many readers anymore. Meanwhile Mickey Mouse comic strips are in full rise… It’s no wonder that Disney bought Marvel…”

“Well then…” the Chief proceeded, “For our next Ten Year Doom Plan, we will exchange psychology for genetics.”

“How so?” asked Peter Bottle.

“Very simple. We’ll spread to all quarters, making intense use of all sorts of media—working especially alongside the so-called opinion makers—that human behavior is pre-programmed by genes inherited from ancestors.”

“And what advantage does this give us?” asked Evil One.

“Well, if genes determine everything, we would get rid of the feelings of guilt once and for all and humans will lose all sense of responsibility over their actions. This way, if someone murders a defenseless child, or abuses one, it will just mean a modern genetic virtuality, nothing deserving of applause or condemnation. Thus, lust comes to be a simple animal action, while virginity will be seen as a kind of castration.”

“Now that’s what I call full-on anomie!” cried Asmodeus.

“But isn’t that how we’ve always lived?” countered the Cramulion.

“You see” Wormwood resumed, “we’ll convince mankind that their inclinations should not be fought against, because, after all, they are only natural manifestations of their genetic nature, parenthetically, invention of the Creator himself.”

“But genes were created for good. They only degenerated after the Fall…”

“Oh shut it, Melcom!” screamed Azael, “you sound like a theologian! No one knows these things, ever since they stopped giving catechesis to children! Not even the Institutes of Theology believe in original sin anymore… Good and evil simply disappear after one’s actions and decisions become a consequence of one little gene put into action. Right?”

“Right!” unequal voices shouted, unable to achieve any degree of unison.

“Very good!” resumed the General Coordinator, “See to it that this thing insures serious consequences. In the outdated Tridentine moral, which once ailed us so and almost emptied hell, if someone smoked or drank too much, it was seen as a poor decision being made by men and women. Now, with the possibility to make responsible the genetic inheritance of our… um… clients, the fact of someone getting drunk beyond measure then getting behind the wheel of a car and running over some defenseless pedestrians, or even marrying the lapdog, will be seen as a mere chromosomal defect, got it?”

“Yes, boss!” the coral roared.

“And if someone falls in love with the secretary and abandons his wife and four children, it will no longer be a crime, a sin, something marked by a moral connotation, as he will just be following his biogenetic orientation. Right?”

“Right!” repeated the coral.

That was when Milcom, the theologian, bounced back and said, “Chief, frankly, I never imagined the power of our genes would come to this point! Is that why we demons have continued for centuries to sow evil on earth?”