The first time that I read Andre Comte-Spoonville’s, A Small Treatise on the Great Virtues, what caught my attention was to see Politeness as the first virtue named. In my many readings, I acquired a special admiration for Politeness and try very hard to cultivate this very valuable virtue.
With this introduction, I intend to give attention to another virtue which is not specifically included in that Treatise, but which has become very important to my day to day life, especially in human relations and love relationships.
I became acquainted with it through a very admirable person, full of qualities, a truly sublime human being far above mere mortals. I speak of Elegance. This person wrote that when a couple in crises comes to the point of seeking therapy, the first question that should be asked is: “Who lost their Elegance first?”
I stopped to think and realized that I liked this question a lot. It doesn’t work to live in pares without Elegance. Apparently the term is very broad and has many definitions. Some words are just like that. They hold many definitions. However, everyone knows very well its true meaning.
Men and women need to act with Elegance towards one another, as do men and women with those of the same gender. This attitude oscillates from one extreme to another. It can range from a simple show of modesty, carefulness in the way one dresses, a zeal with decorum, being capricious with one’s words, gestures and behavior. Even when one intends to gratify, it is necessary to know how to do so elegantly. Elegance goes far beyond what the higher levels of society know of.
Up until the 60’s, relationships between husbands and wives were much more austere. On one hand, this rigidness of the couple’s relations limited their pleasure and quality of life, while on the other, demanded a formal behavior that boarded on elegant postures. Couples had already progressed from the phase where the wife treated her husband as “lord” and had advanced in wide strides for the emancipation of women. The feminist movements shouted for total liberty for women. Families remained more stable and relations were more solid.
Many people confused the movements for change taking place at the time and bought into libertinism and excessive permissiveness as the general proposal. Only a few small crowds of thinkers comprehended the way forward. And in the following decades there came the event where our ex-president Collor affronted our watching eyes with a low level and fairly obscene physical gesture. I, who until then did not know the meaning of that gesture, today see it being flaunted everywhere even by young boys and girls. The media, with special reference to TV Faustão, has vulgarized sex, sexuality, sensuality and sensibility. And to top it all off, the ex-president and show host represent politics and media not the least bit elegantly.
The fact is that Elegance should rise from the heart. We have to develop the intelligence and tact to offer what’s best inside of us, especially for our loved ones. A truly elegant person is free, liberal and practices freedom in its most profound and philosophic meaning.
Elegance, like all of the great virtues is an attitude that is rooted in other virtues, which we apply in relationships, especially between husband and wife. It is that carefulness, that finesse which, if applied attentively between the spouses and with people in general, prolongs sympathy, love and friendship.
A marriage separation occurs at a higher degree due to the gravity of the loss of Elegance. It comes to the point where the situation becomes unbearable. To maintain a healthy level of Elegance demands an extraordinary amount of effort and a culture of this admirable virtue that one only learns with practice. Clearly, love does have a decisive role in maintaining Elegance.
We should seek therapy preventively to discover what can still be done to save a relationship that presents symptoms of crisis. It is good to pay attention to every moment and gesture, at home or outside, to notice the signs – clear or subtle – that life offers us when our Elegance falters.
It is with Elegance that people are seduced. And it is the seducers and the seduced, with elegance, that make the world a better place to live.
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